Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
