Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize