if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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