Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
