Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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