oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
