Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
