We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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