all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
