You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize