chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i now understand why vodka
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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