If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
