Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
