dude i'm inner monologue high
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
