Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
