I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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