people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize