i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
