My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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