Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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