Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
