I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize