Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
