A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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