we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize