So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize