Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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