When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
