I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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