When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
