Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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