you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
