dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
