thus making me awesome and them whores
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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