i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
