I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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