We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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