I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
