did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
