I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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