You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
