I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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