I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
