I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
