I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
