I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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