i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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