get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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