I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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