she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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