just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
