Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize