if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
