just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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