If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
