I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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