My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
