did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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