That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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