My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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