Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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